Category Archives: Bipolar Disorder

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Dreaming I’m Asleep

I have really vivid dreams. Dreams about people working at work, or that I knew in college. Rarely about family. Colorful, detailed dreams. I see myself, what I’m doing.

The past two nights, I dreamed that I was asleep. That I had my head in my arms on a desk, and, the first night, that people at work were trying to wake me up for specific appointments and meetings. I would try to shake them off with a slight move of my arm, then go back to sleep. Last night it was my husband and a friend, saying it was time to go and hang out at the park, or go to the new Greta Gerwig movie. Head still down in my arms, I would try to nudge them off. Keep sleeping.

I have never dreamt about sleeping before. That’s just too Being John Malcovich, when he’s in his own head, in a restaurant, surrounded by “Malcovich, Malcovich, Malcovich.” My head felt about as twisted up as my sheets.

Hello world!

Hello world!

The generic start-up title, but I like it. I’ve been working toward this for a long time.

I was sick, but had to figure it out. Then, I spent a lot of time hiding it, curling away. Got diagnosed incorrectly, dealt with that a bit, then decided to stop taking the meds. Was turned away from the ER because I was so polite. A polite person can take care of herself, she’s fine, just fine.

Then I got a friend to take me back to the ER, this time with a duffel bag. I answered the questions but nothing seemed bizarre -to me, isn’t that the way it always is?- and was diagnosed with bipolar somewhere between then and when my father flew in.

It started when I was 17. I figured it out pretty quickly. Incorrect diagnosis = 19. Hospitalization and correct medical diagnosis by medical professionals = 21.

Typical.

I try to remember I’m an different age each time, set off by my own chemistry or an external situation. I call my siblings when I need to get a litmus test of what’s “us” and what’s “me.”

And I keep writing. Now it’s time to let someone read.

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