I’ve been listening to “Superman,” by Five For Fighting. Contemplative and a bit heart-wrenching, Superman talks about what it’s like to be him. “Men weren’t meant to ride,” he points out, “with clouds between their knees.”
“[I’m] only a man, in a silly red sheet, looking for special things inside of me.”
It reminds me of the shields I put up at work, how aware I am of the kinks in my armor. I’m not a superhero, accomplishing astounding deeds. Hey, it’s not that hard to be me.
But, I’m human, and I push myself toward perfection to hide parts of me that I see as negative (in the workplace) as they are linked to bipolar. I pull that chain too hard. I’ve recently received a promotion, and am doing very well with it. I’m using skills I built because of the day-to-day bipolar work (organization, clear communication, and solving puzzles).
I need to allow myself to make mistakes without agonizing over them. I need to not assume what others think of me. I need to not say “I’m sorry,” even when someone else made the mistake. It’s not low self-esteem, it’s a hyper awareness of a bipolar checklist next to what’s happening externally.
“I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees….”
I need to let myself chill out. I’m human, first off. I merge the bipolar aspects of me consciously all day, when maybe I should just accept all of me – vulnerabilities and strengths – acknowledging that I need all of it. And stop apologizing. Recognize when I’m upset/ disappointed/ mistaken, and then let it go.
“Even heroes have the right to bleed…. Even heroes have the right to dream.”